By Leah Caldwell | Parenting and divorce | June 2024

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Co-parenting tips for divorced parents

Divorce is rarely easy, especially with children involved. It requires learning to raise your children together while living apart and finding ways to collaborate with your ex-partner – all with the intention of putting your children first.

It's natural to question your next steps when it comes to coparenting. How do you maintain stability for your children? What's the best way to handle shared responsibilities? How can you ensure that decisions benefit your children?

As experienced family mediators, we help families who are separating find ways to move forward in the interests of their children. In this guide, we apply our experience to offer insightful co-parenting tips.

What is co-parenting?

Co-parenting is a collaborative approach to parenting that involves both parents actively participating in their children’s lives following a divorce or separation. This might involve ensuring that the child spends quality time with each parent and that both parents have an equal say in important decisions, regardless of whose home the child is in at the time.

Successful co-parenting requires good communication, mutual respect, and a commitment to making shared decisions with the child's best interests at heart. Effective co-parenting can significantly reduce the emotional and psychological strain on children after separation, and ensures they feel supported by both parents as they grow up.

We understand that co-parenting isn't straightforward, but it’s important to consider the benefits and your children’s best interests. Additionally, consider making a parenting plan that provides clarity regarding arrangements and responsibilities.

Tips for successful co-parenting

1. Create a co-parenting plan

Having a detailed parenting plan can significantly help in co-parenting. This typically covers details such as:

• The time your children will spend with each parent
• Arrangements over school holidays
• Plans for special events such as birthdays and Christmas
• How parents will keep in touch with children
• How ex-partners will keep in touch with each other
• Arranging finances
• Where your children will go to school
• Arranging medical and educational needs

A parenting plan provides a clear framework for both parents to follow, helping reduce misunderstandings or conflicts. This can offer a sense of stability for both the children and parents, and this predictability of child arrangements can be especially comforting for children during times of change.

While you can create a parenting plan on your own, you may want to seek legal advice, especially if your situation is complex or if you have concerns about enforcement. Parenting mediation can provide guidance and help ensure that your plan covers all aspects and is likely to work in practice.

2. Maintain open and respectful communication

Interparental relationships can have a significant impact on your children’s future and long term mental health. In fact, research from the Early Intervention Foundation found that intense and unresolved interparental conflict in childhood can result in long-term mental health issues for the children.

Consequently, maintaining effective communication with your co-parent is essential. When co-parents communicate effectively, it facilitates decision-making, reduces misunderstandings, and shows children that their parents still function as a team, providing them with reassurance and stability.

Here are co-parenting tips to maintain effective communication:

• Adopt a professional tone: approach conversations with your co-parent as if you are in a business partnership. This mindset can help you concentrate on making decisions that are in the best interests of your children, instead of getting sidetracked by unproductive arguments.
• Listen first, act secondly: effective communication starts with active listening. Whilst you might not agree with your co-parent’s view, try to understand how their view is within your children’s interest. It’s necessary for understanding how they intend to care for and prioritise your children, and how they view parental responsibilities.
• Keep conversations child-focused and future-focused: avoid letting discussions fall into unhelpful territory. Keep conversations focused on your children’s needs and what happens next rather than straying into recriminations about past events. If you notice the conversation going off-track, redirect it by reminding yourself or your co-parent of the primary goal: to prioritise what’s best for your child.
• Focus on requests, not demands: making a statement may easily be interpreted as a demand, especially where there’s underlying tension with your ex-partner. To minimise misunderstandings, frame your communication as requests. For example, “Could you consider...?” vs. “You need to…”. Try following up your request with why it benefits your children.

3. Prioritise the children’s needs

It’s understandable that you might be feeling hurt or frustrated. Separating from your partner is difficult, but it’s crucial to prioritise your children’s needs. By simply deciding to cooperate with your ex partner, you’ve already taken the most important step - staying focused on your child.

This will motivate your next decisions and help you focus on solutions, rather than problems. Most importantly, this approach helps protect your children from any feelings of resentment, anger, or hurt.

Here are co-parenting tips to help you stay focused on your children’s needs:

• Separate feelings from behaviour: recognising your emotions is healthy, but it's important to think about how this awareness can drive positive changes. For instance, if you're feeling uncertain about your future, this could be a chance to explore opportunities that positively impact your child's life.
• Share negative feelings elsewhere: avoid sharing negative feelings with your child. Consider getting things off your chest with friends, family or a therapist.
• Don’t use your child as the messenger: avoid using children to communicate messages between you and your ex partner. This can make them feel like they have to choose between you. Remember, they have the right to a healthy relationship with each parent.
• Consider child-inclusive mediation: mediation helps you and your ex partner come to mutually agreeable solutions on parenting, finances, and other issues. Child-inclusive mediation involves your child’s input, letting their voice be heard on important matters. This is carried out by a specialist child mediator who aims to understand your child’s wants and needs one-on-one.

Find out more about questions a mediator might ask a child.

4. Co-parent consistently

Maintaining consistency in parenting styles and responsibilities helps children feel secure. This consistency between two homes tells children what to expect regardless of which parent they are with, providing a sense of normalcy that is deeply comforting.

Whilst rules and schedules might not be exactly the same between two households, it’s important to establish a level of consistency. For example, you may decide on established guidelines as co-parents. This might cover details such as mealtimes, bedtimes, and homework routines.

Establishing this in an agreed parenting plan will help you maintain consistency with your co-parent - ultimately benefiting your child.

5. Be flexible

Whilst consistency is key in co-parenting, it’s important to be flexible from time to time. Life is unpredictable, and sometimes you and your co-parent might be faced with unexpected circumstances.

Be prepared to accommodate your children’s evolving needs as they grow up and situations change, and consider where you might need to adjust your co-parenting plan. For example, if one parent has a sudden work commitment, the other might need to step in and handle the school pickups or adjust the normal arrangements temporarily.

Additionally, keep in mind that special events like birthdays and sports days are important to everyone involved—you, your child, and your ex-partner. Being flexible enough to accommodate everyone’s needs during these times can greatly contribute to making your child feel valued and important.

6. Let go of resentment

As co-parents, it's almost inevitable that you’ll disagree on particular issues. However, try to put any resentment aside. Remember:

• Focus on important discussions: save your energy for important discussions, such as your children’s medical care or education. If there’s a slight disagreement about what time your child should go to bed, try to let it go.
• Compromise: co-parenting is all about compromise. Aim to consider your ex partner’s point of view as much as you’d like them to consider yours. You might not always agree 100%, but compromise allows you to come to a final decision that prioritises your child.

Benefits of co-parenting for your children

Emotional stability

Children in a co-parenting arrangement generally experience greater emotional stability because they maintain strong, active relationships with both parents. This stability is crucial for their emotional development and can help minimise feelings of loss and confusion typically associated with separation.

Reduced conflict exposure

When parents choose to co-parent amicably, children witness fewer conflicts and more cooperative problem-solving. This modelling teaches them important behavioural skills and helps maintain their sense of security.

Consistent parenting

With both parents involved, children benefit from consistent parenting styles and discipline, which is less likely in scenarios where one parent is solely responsible. Consistency across households helps children adjust to their new family dynamics with less anxiety and confusion.

If the child refuses to see the other parent

If your child refuses to see the other parent, it’s important to approach the situation with sensitivity and understanding.

Start by calmly discussing their feelings to uncover any underlying issues. It's crucial to listen without judgement and validate their emotions. Encourage open communication and avoid pressuring them, as this can lead to further resistance.

Work with your co-parent to explore solutions that might ease your child’s apprehensions and help restore a positive connection with the other parent.

If your child or co-parent feels unable or unwilling to do this, child inclusive mediation may be a good option.

Create a co-parenting plan with Mediation First

Take the next steps to prioritise your child's wellbeing through co-parenting. Create a co-parenting plan with Mediation First - we offer a range of family mediation services, helping you navigate parenting, financial, and property matters following separation.

Get in touch with us today to learn how we can help:

To find out more about mediation for divorce, or enquire about mediation sessions, speak to our team to get started.

Call us: 0330 320 7600
Email us: office@mediationfirst.co.uk.
Complete an online form: mediation contact form